This is not what I have pictured

A 24-year-old immigrant woman with an unplanned but desired daughter and a boyfriend who lacks empathy is relaying in her lack of luck of being popular with her writing so she can tell what she can’t in her real life without getting too much attention.

When it all started?

I’ve always imagined my life as a movie, which I know is common for most of us. So I kept playing the part of the fatty nerdy overachiever who thinks she is all alone in the world and will get rich and hot while the others would be losers. It didn't happen.

When I started grad school abroad, I thought everything would come together. Instead, I’m nursing my child while writing finger by finger with my left hand, and I feel my life is a total mess. My motherhood journey has been full of upsides and downs since I discovered I was pregnant, and I’m no longer that overachiever either. It doesn’t seem that my life is working out.

The “I told you so” I get through my mother’s eyes made me think this was the reality check-up I needed. In the end, I wasn't living in a movie, my life wouldn’t get any sequels, and I don’t have a writer who tells me what to do, how to act, or develop the best outcome for me. If I was used to thinking everything always worked fine, now I need to accept the consequences don’t skip my actions.

A child who was so naive

I have a bullying story. I was bullied since first grade. But I don’t want to talk about what I experienced. Let’s focus now on how I dealt with it.

I mentioned before that I started to consider myself as the lead role in a movie. I spent hours reading and in front of the TV, so I tried to follow every cliché I saw. At first, I was satisfied, I was the nerdy type so that I couldn’t lose focus, and my studies were a priority; I was also an outcast, so I needed to isolate myself and make the drama I didn’t have any friends.

I started to think I could manage everything in my own bubble because everything would work out fine. The line between reality and drama started to get blurry as I view myself even more as a movie character than a person; now I reflect on my attitudes, and I need to admit: I was never my authentic self.

I hope my daughter never feels the pressure of being someone she is not. And because of her, I’m trying to change and be true to myself. Because I saw my life as a movie and myself as someone playing a part, I never got to see the world I was living in in its true form, and I fill myself with unrealistic expectations.

According to my movie, I would have been returning to my home country with my master's degree and a life plan at this point in my life. Instead, I am a mom thinking if her partner is really right for her or it's just the stress of the first year living together, plus a mother-in-law, plus a baby. And also, I am feeling so alone that I came here to be read by strangers.